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In a perfect world, two people fall in love, get married, have children and live happily ever after. Many moons ago I started out on that path, but over the course of the last few years, I am struggling with the final chapter, the 'living happily ever after.'
Have I changed so much over the course of our partnership, that what I once cherished and loved is no longer the focus of my adoration and devotion? I guess that is not so hard to believe. As time passes we are in constant transition, hopefully learning from our life experiences, both good and bad, and incorporating the things we value into the substance that makes up who we are. So I shouldn't be surprised that while people grow, sometimes they may grow in different directions. But how do you deal with it, when the person with which you've grown apart is the one person to whom you've promised to spend your entire life? And the kids, and the other family members. . .it all gets convoluted and complex, as it should; this is no simple matter.
When your life is reduced to co-existing with someone that no longer enhances your life, the thought of moving on is often pondered. Life is distracted with thoughts of what a world would be like keeping one's own company. Would it be better than what I have now? And what exactly does 'better' mean? Would it be more peaceful? Tranquil? Joyful? To have this weight of guilt lifted from my shoulders for feeling the way I do, not being able to force the emotions I should be feeling for my significant other - it seems that would be a welcome relief. But surely it cannot be that easy. And the resentment that I can not help but feel building up inside, for feeling 'stuck' in a place I don't think I care to remain. I try to push those feelings away, but they persist and they grow and the unpleasantries get magnified.
There is no simple solution, and there is no way to ever know which is the better option. I guess at some point in time one chooses to stay or to go, and I imagine regardless of the ultimate choice, one will always wonder what would have happened had the other road been taken. And this is where I find myself, at that fork in the road, unsure of which way to turn, wondering what lies beyond the farthest point my eyes can see.
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